Joke muna

PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from the Philippines, another from Mexico and an American. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, asks, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??"

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "you see, sir, it's $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and then we hire the guy from Mexico".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.


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Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines?
A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to the U.S.

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Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?
A. Cory can`t tell a lie
Gloria can`t tell the truth
Erap can`t tell the difference

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REPORTER: "Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step na gagawin ninyo??"
Police: "DNA na..."
REPORTER: "sir, ano po yung DNA?"
Police: "Di Namin Alam"

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Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano

ANAK: "'Tay! Tay! ayon o Krus, nasa itaas. Ang laking krus!"
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): "Nakita mo ng krus eh! Sige, lumuhod tayo!"

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Bobo-1: "Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?"
Bobo-2: "Hindi eh! ano ba pare?"
Bobo-1: "Lowbat pare! Lowbat!"

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TEACHER: "Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?"
STUDENT: "Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak sa araw ng holiday!"

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ERAP: "Isauli ko 'tong nabili kong DVD."
FPJ: "Anong ba'ng problema?"
ERAP: "Kasi walang picture, 'tsaka walang sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata 'to. Tsk, tsk..."
FPJ: "Anong title niyang DVD?"
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"

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PROMDI: "'Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya 'wag mo 'kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang k'warto ko? Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana... ha?"
ROOMBOY: "Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo..."

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Jun-Jun: "Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!"
Inay: "Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?"
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"

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Titser: "Ano ang hugis ng mundo?"
Juan: "Kuwadrado po, maam!"
Titser: "Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog."
Juan: "Pero ma'am, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?"

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Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime:

"Are you free tonight?" The sexy secretary replies: "Sir, naman... huwag naman FREE ... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!"

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Eliseo: "Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!"
Joshua: "Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?"

LIFE EXPLAINED...

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

'Then, a Filipino comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Filipino is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Filipinos lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Flip Phones: WARNING!!!

Urgent - Very !!!
DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS PLAY WITH FLIP PHONES!

A new study has revealed that flip phones have caused very serious side effects to the reproductive development of young children.

As the photo below shows, it can also lead to localized pain and discomfort.

Pass this on for the sake of all children, please.